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Attempting to be a Buddhist (and sometimes, not-so-Buddhist) in real life! Thoughts and experiences day-to-day and how they relate to the teachings of the Buddha.
I’ve been tagged by Hazel AND K’Jan!
Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
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Here's my random and/or weird facts about me:
3. I’ve lived in the
4. I dance in my car, and I don’t care who sees me. 
6. As a child, I was terrified of the Yip-Yips on
NO ONE! But that’s ok, I fulfilled my end of the bargain anyway.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
I’ve not written all that much, which in itself is a problem. Keeping this little journal has helped me organize my thoughts and reflect on where I am on my path. I suppose I’ve not much wanted to reflect on the thoughts I’ve been having lately. In fact, I downright hate who I’ve been for the last two days. I make me sick, really.
It’s getting late, and I’m exhausted. I’ve only finished two whole rooms, the bedroom and kitchen, as far as unpacking goes. I am determined to have this whole place done by Sunday night, because I need to feel less like I’m in a transition. I need to feel like this is the life I’ve been living instead of the one I actually was living.
I may have mentioned in earlier posts that I have two distinct personalities (not like in personality disorder). There is the Cynical Sara and the Romantic/Love-Peace-Hippy Sara. Those two Saras do not get along very well. Lately, Cynical Sara has been on a warpath. And I hate that bitch. I don’t like being angry and lonely and frustrated with the world around me. It makes me ill to think that I’m sending out that kind of energy. Bleccchh.
I have managed to get a decent meditation or two into my days. But as soon as I am done, I’m back to feeling hopeless. I think I need to stay away from the politics. I think I need to stay away from the heartbreak. Because really, while I care so much for the future of our country via the outcome of the upcoming election, it is causing me additional anxiety I just do not need. I can’t control it, there is no remedy for it. Therefore, I must let it go (right, Mi?!?).
Even my workplace has me pulsing with anger. Today was a festival of sarcasm and backbiting comments. Now, don’t get me wrong, sarcasm is my first language. But generally I use it playfully. This stuff was just mean.
Perhaps I need to slow down. I am much fonder of the Romantic/Love-Peace-Hippy Sara. I rather focus on the light, I’d rather feel that this isn’t ALL there is. I don’t want to look around and think…”Fuck! Why bother?”
Really, how bad can the world be when there are people that tolerate us, regardless of our conflicting personality traits?? When there are people that make you feel 15 again? When you realize that your friends are with you all the time, especially at the darkest points? Where people demand nothing short of excellence from you, not for their benefit…but rather for your own? And there are people that exist…right now…that are carrying the best of you with them, wherever they go? Can it really be that hopeless??? Is there anything really to be cynical about?
I don’t want to keep doing this thing, where I let myself forget that there is more than enough. That I have more than enough. Sounds overly optimistic, but I need to set that intention every night, and every morning…that everything I want I already have…and that it is enough to get through this moment with a smile. Or at least without a scowl.
I will have to figure out a way to accomplish this, or I will forever be fighting myself. I don't have time for that!! Or is it that i have nothing but time....
Welcome to my first post from my new apartment. I’ve officially been dwelling in this space for one week. YAY! Most of the time my outlook is pretty positive, which is huge considering the boxes and boxes of crap cluttering up the place. I make a little progress every day. So it’s good. I do feel a bit lonely from time to time. But I hope that will pass.
I did make it to Sangha on Thursday night. It was nice getting back to focus on Dharma. Although I manage to work a connection to Buddhism into every day events, there is just nothing like sitting with your own community.
As I mentioned in a previous post, this series is on anger. While I am not a tremendously angry person (I do have a bit of a temper from time to time), it is still a nice reminder that anger serves no real benefit to anyone. I think all humans would benefit to hear that from time to time. In my slightly biased opinion, I think most people would benefit from hearing a bit of dharma. I don’t mean all the world should be Buddhist (although, if you look closely, it is!). I found this quote from His Holiness the Dalai Lama the other day, and I’d like to share it. “Don’t try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.”It inspires me to no end to see a great spiritual leader so humble that he doesn’t need to demand that his way is the only way. There are ways to enrich our spiritual selves through experience with the universe. When we keep a narrow view on the road, we will miss the beautiful scenery that’s along side us.
Our teacher made note this week of something that has stuck with me. We often get so frustrated or angry thinking that we can only do “this” OR “that”. We limit ourselves to just two options, when potentially, the options are limitless. I would like to keep that truth with me, right in the front of my mind. I need to remember that there are more choices than the ones I see immediately before me.
Tonight I finished setting up my makeshift altar. I am on a hunt for the perfect piece of furniture for my Buddhas to reside. But until then, this will do. This was the first time I made an offering of incense, and sat in front of my Buddhas and meditated. I prayed, I prostrated, I was in the moment of practicing without distractions or anxiety. It was lovely.
Here’s the photo of my Buddhas at there temporary home. 
Peace to all!
Soooo, yeah. It’s been a bit since I last wrote anything down. I’ve intended to, but I’ve been a bit distracted (understatement of the year). This is my second to last night in the house I’ve lived in with my (ex)boyfriend for the past year. Its sad to look around at all the empty spaces…but I’m pushing forward anyway.
What I am finding comfort in with the whole new apartment thing is that I can exist in a safe place. Not that this was a dangerous place, but rather a safe place to exist as myself. I don’t have to bury my Buddhas in the corner, or hide my sadhanas, or be super quiet while doing prostrations as not to shake the floor too much.
It occurred to me that this is the first time in my life that expression of spiritual self has been so important, if not the most important thing. Although Buddhism isn’t everything I am, it certainly helps me figure out who I want to be. Having a vehicle as such I have been feeling forced to leave it parked in the garage.
I will gladly say that I feel I’ve managed to be fairly kind and compassionate towards Ke. No matter what he’s said that was unkind, I’ve resisted the urge to spit nails back at him. I know he’s hurting too. Knowing that particular truth makes it irrelevant that his behavior is why I decided to leave in the first place. He doesn’t deserve to be punished on top of what is already happening.
I haven’t been to the first two meditation classes in the new series that started. This one is on anger. I’m not so angry, so I suppose I will be ok dropping in next week. Through this whole change, I feel like I’m able to pinpoint where my biggest challenge is on the path to enlightenment (at least for this lifetime). Its attachment, as you may have guessed by my many discussions on the topic. I need to get my mind around how I relate to the people and things in my life.
I rejoice that I now have a space in which to do so.
Peace to you all.
Oh, I’d like to share the photo of the housewarming gift from Mi. She took this amazing photo herself and her hubby framed. It’s a Dharma Wheel, which is the ceiling of the
Enjoy...
So I’ve been very “in between” these last few weeks. I am still in the process of moving from old place to new place. If that weren’t enough, I bounce back and forth from being in a spiritually serene place to one of complete chaos.
From what I hear, people turn to a spiritual path when their lives are in crisis. What do you do when your life is in crisis, but the spiritual path you are on continues to challenge you, forcing immediate resolution for growth??? ARGH. I think I’ll go with the standby and throw a tantrum instead.
Ever get tired of hearing yourself complain? That’s about where I am right now. I am tired of telling Ke that it is not fun and games for me just because I made the decision to move out. I am tired of trying to act like everything is fine and that it is fun and games when I’m not here. I’m tired of being lonely, of aching to be held…to feel safe for more than a fleeting moment. Everything I do points me to attachment as the source of suffering, and it occurred to me that I have NO idea what a healthy attachment would look like if it walked up and slapped me in the forehead.
While my rationally thinking self knows that I need a break from being tied to anyone or anything, my emotional self is hell bent on not complying with the rules set forth by rationally thinking self. I am drawn to commitment and to playing a supporting role in just about everything i do. Nothing halfway (which is good and bad). My attachment to the idea that this is the only way I will be satisfied with life is the root problem.
Where is the line between “attachment” and “solid life plan”??
I am terribly attached to the past, as I look around this house where I thought I would build my life. And when I step outside these walls, I am immediately flooded with attachment to what “should” be when I leave. I forget that right now I am a mess…and I have no interest in looking in the mirror at it. The people I love most in my life are getting married, having (more) babies, celebrating good things that come with the comforts of a successful life. I rejoice for them. Every person I know (well, every person, really), deserves nothing less than all they need to bring a happy life.
Why is it, then, I feel it is not in my cards to live that same life? I wish I could say that it is a result of the transition…but I can’t. It exists, looming above me, that these things I desire are not going to be mine. If that is the case, is everything else I do in my life essentially settling for whatever comes along? I miss the things I’ve never had to begin with. Is that even possible??
Today I claim the title of World’s Worst Buddhist, as I wallow in self pity, doubt and glorify my selfish mind’s attachments. Oh, and I smashed the hell out of a really big spider in my room (after which, I did thank the kind mother and wished her well for her rebirth).
Saying prayers for Mi’s sweet Indy tonight…your furry sentient being knows he is loved in the purest of ways by his mommy.
This question was posed to me the other day: Why would you want to bring a child into this fucked up world???
Now, being that I am one of those irritating people that can’t blow off a question, I’ve put some serious thought into this one. I explored the perspective and in some ways agree. The world is really effed up. You would think that all humans were double jointed with all the time we spend with our heads in our asses. It can be scary and there is some serious bad stuff out there. This is pretty much where self said, “Self, STOP!”
Why would I want to become a parent, bringing another human being into a world with all the scary crap going on? This could take a while, if you need a bathroom break, now might be a good time.
Humor me. I want you to imagine a moment in which you felt the best you ever felt in your life. Could be a life event, a trip, a random moment of awareness, whatever. Take your time, I can wait. Now, tell me this…did the state of the world have any impact at all on that experience? Could the scary stuff touch you or your bliss at that moment??
My money (limited funds of course) is on no. I believe that humans have the ability to live joy even in the face of evil. Throughout history, people have survived in the most horrific situations. Not just LIVED through them. Survived…as in having come out the other side, still able to smile and find and promote peace. Buddhism (and most other religions) teaches that no matter what is going on around us, we can be happy. Practice heightens my awareness and builds my faith that it’s the truth.
Ok, let’s move on. I believe that being a parent, deciding to reproduce, is a huge thing (duh). Essentially, when a child is created, two human beings have given the IDEA of hope a physical form. We don’t breed because we have to keep the human race going for no reason at all. We do it because if we cease to hope, if we cease to believe that things will be better, we may as well crawl in a hole and wait for the bomb to drop right now. Why bother with anything at all if we choose to think like this?
My mom has repeatedly told me that I’m too “idealistic” and “naïve”. My response to this?? Someone should be! I recall her saying this many times through my teens and early twenties, as I became aware that the world did not, in fact, revolve around me. I am proud to say that as I embark upon my third decade on earth (for this lifetime, anyway 
), I still retain my idealistic nature. I feel that someone needs to hold on to the simplicity of how things should be, and that someone is me.
I refuse to let “them” take my innocence. I won’t live in fear. I don’t care what color the terror alert system is flashing on the Fox News crawl. I refuse to live my life being continually aware that the bombs we have that keep us “safe” are the very bombs that could destroy everything we know and love. I won’t do it. There is so much beauty and grace in this world. I am going to focus on that. I want to do as Gandhi suggests and be the change we wish to see. The reality of peace, kindness and love that exists in my heart can, and does, exist for everyone else. I refuse to let those who promote hate be the only ones repopulalting the earth.
My reasons for wanting to be a parent will differ from everyone else’s, I’m sure of that. I know the reality that parenting isn’t going to be fun and games 100% of the time (or 25% of the time) and that kids will eventually do what they want regardless of what you want for them. But it’s the job I know that I am supposed to do. In Buddhism, it is taught that children choose their parents. We select our parents based on our karma, and they get us based on theirs. I believe without doubt, that I can be a parent that offers a child tools to negate the evils of this world. There is no use in denying the wrongs, they do exist. But there is joy to pass on to the next generation. There is beauty to live for. And there is, most importantly, love. At the end of the day, is there any bigger reason?
(barenaked ladies - lovers in a dangerous time)
Tonight we danced! Our group of lovelies danced in circles and lines and squiggly patterns. It was so much fun to play, and to learn some folk dancing. I only remember the story behind the one…about Persephone and Demeter. It was complicated, but fun trying.
After dancing (and sweating way too much for the minimal effort being put forth), I drove home to continue my packing. As I sifted through my belongings, I started to explore my knee-jerk panic reaction to anything good that happens to me. Care to join me on this train of thought??
Ok, so let me recap a bit of my childhood. I never felt safe on any consistent basis. My dad saved me from so much, but I always felt, nay!, knew any and all of it could be taken away at any moment. It seemed that my mom and stepfather (mostly him, I think), really liked to offer me things that made me happy, just to take them away. My dad warmly (ha!) referred to this activity as “dangling the carrot”. It was amazing, really, how they knew what to take or say that would hurt the most.
So what is the end result of such experience? I don’t feel safe. On rare occasions where i find myself getting comfortable, I will enjoy it (maybe for a day or two) until I really feel safe, I go into panic mode. Life patterns have taught me that the good thing WILL go away. So, I immediately suspect the worst, causing me to say and do the most ridiculous things. 
The repetition of this behavior is a lot like continuing to wear a pair of panties after one of the legs has worn out. It’s completely uncomfortable, and you’re going to look like a jackass trying to adjust for your choice.
I want so very much to stop doing this. My Buddhist self knows that everything is impermanent. Nothing lasts forever, good, bad or otherwise. Hence the teaching that attachment to those things causes suffering. I can accept the impermanence that dharma teaches. Buddhism teaches that it is possible to feel completely safe in an unsafe environment. I am wanting to know how to connect the Buddhist self to the child self that didn’t have the basic need of security at home met.
I don’t like the idea that everything good, everything I love, everything that fills me with joy can and will immediately cease to exist. I know worrying is useless…I’ve said it to others several times. But this particular “worry” has proven itself to be not only possible, but probable.
Any suggestions on how to just enjoy the safety of the moment, the comfort of now, without being aware of the impermanence of it? Is it as simple as just appreciating what you have while you have it?
I know I haven’t written anything in a while. I appreciate all the supportive comments that I’ve received. It means so much to know people care.
Since last post, I’m doing better. Mostly because I’ve got a great support system in place, repeating over and over that I have made the right decision. Of course, they don’t come home to super sweet version of the ex, which makes it difficult to continue walking away. But it is what it is. I know I did the right thing for the right reasons.
So let’s get back to the meat of the meal. As much as I felt like a non-buddhist during this painful process, I can now realize how much I was and AM Buddhist during all processes. I wish to do no one harm, and have been as supportive as I can to my former significant other during my move. In return, regardless of his motivation, he has been more than kind to me. So at least it’s a peaceful environment.
I’m feeling less like I need to hide who I am now. I have always been the first in line to admit my flaws, but now I want very much to show what I am proud of.
I said to Mi at Sangha the other night how I had this moment of clarity. As I got snuggly in my bed after a goodnight bow to Buddha, I realized…“Wow…I’m really doing this. I AM Buddhist. I am living Buddhism.” Although I took my refuge vows in June, in this moment it sank in. I think as a Buddhist does (at least a beginner Buddhist). I process life events as how they relate to dharma. This is my path, and I love being on it.
I’ve had an amazing weekend. I reconnected with
I am going to get snuggly and prepare for another week of moving and working. But that was my update. Tomorrow is circle dancing with women’s circle (I’m terrified of this, but I’m doing it anyway). Thursday night our Sangha travels to the
Peace and love to you all.
I would like to introduce you to my good friend Medicine Buddha. Now, before you start thinking I’m batshit crazy, just give it a listen.
Yes, it is Thursday, and I usually write about what i did, learned, etc with Sangha. But I’ve wanted to get something together about Medicine Buddha for a while. And the discussion of the many available Buddhas did come up, so I am more so inspired to share.
Buddhism has A LOT of different Buddhas. I find this logically sound and encouraging. See, if we’re all beings bound for enlightenment (we all achieve buddhahood), then its nice to see that so many have already done so and are now looking out for schlubby Buddhas-to-be like me.
Now, if Buddhism isn’t your thing, I will liken the many Buddhas (loosely, of course) to the plethora of saints in Catholicism. They each have dedicated their existence to bettering your life in a specific area you may need help. I formerly found the practice of saint involvement creepy and unnecessary (especially upon hearing of the patron saint of real estate, not kidding, look it up). However, in my exploration of the Buddhas, I now ‘get’ the purpose of saints. It’s nice to feel you have someone around who is a specialist.
I’m especially fond of Medicine Buddha. Mi introduced me to him, and gifted me the Medicine Buddha Sadhana (a ritual/prayer book). Basically his purpose is to remove suffering caused by (this is a small sampling of the list) illness, mental or physical pain, poverty, oppression, and mosquitoes. I hate mosquitoes. This Buddha is for ME! Ok, in all seriousness, I have faith that this particular entity is on my side. Why, you ask?? Here’s the story.
In May of this year, I had surgery. Big surgery, the kind with 200+ stitches, 4 hours long, lots of scarring, and for which you aren’t expected to move about the cabin for a couple of days. The kind that requires Big Girl Painkillers.
I was all about Medicine Buddha mantra. Said it on my way into surgery, and said it on my way out of the hospital. I hate needles and blood. I was nervous. But I mantra’d my ass off until I was in sleepy land. I woke up that evening packed tightly in gauze and to my delight, only slightly sore. I helped myself to the vicodin for a few nights to help with sleeping on my back (hate that!). But I had NO real pain. None. Zero. After just two weeks, Mi looked at some of the incisions (my own personal nurse, thanks!) and they looked and felt like they were old scars. I know Mi did MB prayers for me. I know others were sending good thoughts for a speedy recovery, all of which I am sure contributed to the fantastic results i do have now.
I will add my current employ of MB, which involves no needles or blood (as of yet). The emotional and mental distress I’m experiencing as my current relationship draws to a close, the quiet time during evenings is particularly painful. My thoughts and questions never stop, often bringing me to tears. This is where I’ve been calling on MB. I play the recorded sadhana, which is in part set to music, is very relaxing and focuses my thoughts. I can imagine MB sitting above my head, filling me with healing blue light.
Let’s take it from a skeptic’s perspective. Even if I’m not actually being filled with healing blue light, it has for that moment, removed my painful thought process. I can find a second to smile, being reminded that there are beings that actually do carry the world’s burdens and pray endlessly for suffering to cease. I don’t know about you, but touching that particular reality softens the pain and warms my heart.
Now, I could be writing the same about St. Raphael, Patron Saint of Travelers and of Good Health. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. The intention to send someone health (or requesting your own) is a powerful one, I suppose, regardless of what medium you select to do it. It is an appeal to the beings, both tangible and intangible, to pool their energies to heal those in need. I like that.
With that, I give you Medicine Buddha and a wish for good health (and freedom from suffering caused by mosquitoes).
I will repeat myself. I love Sangha! Tonight we left it informal, and had an open discussion regarding the challenges of practicing Buddhism in American society. This may very well have been one of my favorite meetings. It gives me hope to know that it’s not just me, struggling to offer large scale love and compassion. We live with information overload, all pointing us at the “things” that will make us happy and always fail to do so. But in this small circle of friends, we sit together in peace, all Buddhas-to-be. I sigh with contentment.
Being honest with this group comes naturally (as it does with Women’s Circle, but there are many that participate in both groups, YAY!). I posed the question about whether any attachment can be positive (Buddhism teaches that attachment causes suffering). As usual, everyone had inspiring responses. Mi offered that there are good and bad attachments. Healthy attachments come from a good place, family bonds and such. Fr noted that the difference between them is rooted in whether the attachment is based on desire for that “thing”. Ah. I understand. Then, he asked the question. “What is it that you desire?”
The thing I desire most is some kind of cohesive family unit. I want so badly to create a family for myself that attaining it stays impossible. Mi suggested that sometimes, we accept a substitution which is similar to our true want, but does not quite meet the standard we expect. In other words, we settle and it causes suffering.
Then she brought to my attention that I already have that which I desire so. I have created family. I have Sangha Family. I have UU family. I have Women’s Circle Family. They, along with my family of friends from various schools, jobs and 2 special members of actual blood relation, offer safety, compassion, love and guidance without condition. I was so focused on the idea of what family was, I was missing the functioning family all around me.
Even here, on bravejournal.com, support is out there. There are blogs I’ve stumbled across, one to the next, and have subscribed to a few. I look forward to reading their blogs, how they allow me to peek at their souls. I try to add comments because we all deserve our thoughts to be valued by others. Some bloggers have visited here in return, and I’ve received nothing but lovely comments from caring sentient beings I’ve never met. I appreciate every thought that comes my way from all those who end up here.
I only hope that I can at some time return the unconditional blessings of love, advice, dharma guidance, bitch & moan time, and shoulder to lean on to all these amazing people. I wish to foster my own Buddha-nature by honoring the Buddha-nature in others. While the pain I’m experiencing is my negative karma to burn off, I must have banked some serious good karma to be blessed with the friends I have.
Peace to you, my family.
Eff. It happened again. I am here and now committing to writing my stuff offline first, THEN posting online. All of you are smart…you probably already do that.
I’m digging.
Digging for what you ask? For a place deep enough to stand. For truth. For shelter. Mostly for excuses.
I am without. I’m empty. Not in the Buddhist sense, which would be fantastic. I’m not a cloud, hiding in the grass in interconnected joy. I’m not a wave realizing she’s water. I’m struggling here in my deluded state of inherent (lonely, lonely) self-yness (i know its not a word, but sometimes the ones available aren't the right ones).
Although this is my super-secret (except for you guys, I know you won’t tell on me) journal, I can’t bring myself to write the truth here. It would become tangible, and sad.
I feel as though I’ve been beating him in the head with a “LOVE ME, DAMMIT!” sign for years. My lesson learned splits into two distinct thought patterns. First…I feel I’ve earned the label “unlovable”. Surely, this can’t be true! Yet, the mathematics of being pushed away, expected to wait, told that I was not a priority, all equate to “unlovable” and/or “not worth the effort”. The second path of this lesson is also unpleasant, but involves less self-flagellation. If someone can’t meet your basic need…if they ask you to wait…if they cause you to doubt that who you are in this very moment is enough, then they don’t love you. If love is genuine (wow I sound like a teenager…gasp!), then there is no time to waste. The flaws don't matter quite as much. Gotta do it all NOW because moments are fleeting.
Sounds bitter (which I am), and maybe a little desperate to assign a reason to the chaos (also, guilty). I’m busy busy busy to ignore the pain just a little longer. Hold on, see if it happens. Doesn’t seem to matter how old you are, 15 or 30, unrequited is soul-crushing.
I can’t even find the happy snapshots in my head of where we started. There is no joy left. I am speechless when someone asks me to describe him. Too much has happened. Or too little has happened.
My heart has been suffocating, buried under all these dirty, dirty hopes. About time to dig it up, piece it back together and climb out of this hole.
This one's gonna leave a mark...
I texted Mi tonight that i'm feeling "floaty" in the brain. Or the heart, as it might be.
As some big life changes loom, it seems i'm being overly self-critical. Or analytical. I'm looking to the Way to guide choices, what is healthy, what is balanced, and what action will do the least harm.
I do believe, above all, there is nothing but love in all its forms to make existence worthwhile. However, my faith in fellow man, and perhaps myself, to honor that purpose renders me (lovably) snarky.
Maybe i'm seeking the wrong "kind" of love, or maybe my own concept of what love should be is not what it actually is, or perhaps it does not exist. There is a buddhist teaching..."Embrace nothing: If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. If you meet your father, kill your father. Only live your life as it is, Not bound to anything.”
Now. This does NOT suggest that one should physically take lives. It's a matter of killing ideas. Whatever you think it is...it is not. The process of removing and changing ideas, concepts or definitions is infinite. Oh, and so intellectually overwhelming i'd rather surrender and be in the moment.
With this floaty post, with no real direction, i will sign off.
“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” - Buddha
I love writing. I don't love when you're almost done with a post and you accidentally click something else which navigates away from your page, thus tossing to the cyberwind your labor of love. Balls.
I was writing about beauty, as was the topic for women's circle, which i missed. I'm gonna sum it up...
Physical Beauty: I dont have it. That's ok with me (really, it is). I don't care if you have it (really, i don't). That's all i can say for the beauty on the "outside". I'd rather talk about something significant.
I try not to limit a definition of beauty, what it is or what it is not. Once you give something a firm explanation, a set of rules is formed that will rule out anything that doesn't fit. I promise that will lead to many missed opportunities. I want to experience beauty, not fit it into a tidy little box.
Beauty can (and does) live in every moment, every thought. Its a force (much like the force, yes i'm a nerd) which is an entity all its own. Some of the most incredible beauty in my life has come from the greatest suffering. In all its varieties, it may exist solely to move us from where we are to where we need to be next.
I want to see something new. Show me who you are, what it is, where it comes from. Present something familiar in a different way. Change my mind. Cry on my shoulder. Watch me fall in love with you each day, maybe twice a day. I want to recover, only to crumble again.
I realize it may seem like i'm babbling a bit. But have faith, the train of thought is pulling into the station.
Beauty is the art of living. It's being alive above and beyond breath and a pulse (which i'm currently learning how to do). Appreciate what is there and what is not there for what is there and not there.
Here are some quotes that present a better case for beauty than i did...
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
“Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time.” - Albert Camus
“Beauty is not caused. It is.” - Emily Dickinson
On Sunday morning, as children put on their church play, a gunman walked in the door of the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church and began shooting. I don't need to tell the story, its national news. I had been batting back in forth whether or not it was appropriate to comment on this tragedy here. To hell with what's appropriate...
I am devastated by the news. My heart aches for the poor souls, my fellow UUs, the women, children, and men, that witnessed true horror. My mind naturally wanders to a view of sitting in my own Fellowship Hall, to turn around to some stranger with a gun. Sheer terror...i find it nearly impossible to breathe.
The gunman apparently hates liberals. He was at his wits end, and had to take it out on someone. I am finding it incredibly difficult to offer compassion to this man, but i am still trying to empathize with his desperation. But i simply cannot relate to the progression that led him to hate in action.
It is hard for me to imagine how someone could hate a group of people with core values that extend love and peace to all humans. Unitarian Universalists tend to be very active in social action. Is it irrational to not want all Americans, nay, all Humans, to have equal rights?
I would like to think had this man walked into Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church and simply asked for help...it would have been extended to him in whatever capacity was available. It comes with the territory of being a "bleeding-heart" liberal that he apparently hated so.
What is this human desire to kill something beautiful? Why are people hell bent on stamping out love where ever the light is shining?
"Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule. " - Buddha
We need to get past this "Us and Them" mentality in this country. Its really a worldwide "Us". There is no "if i can't have it, no one can", because everything that exists, you already have. We need to wake up!
With this post, I extend my deepest sympathies, love, compassion and strength for healing to the Tennessee Valley UU Congregation, their families, and their community. May the Spirit of Life continue to inspire your daily efforts.
Keep the chalice burning with hope...
Its been less than 24 hours since my last post, but Monkey Mind is going on and on...and on.
i have mentioned before, i'm sure, that I have been operating under the impression that I've always hidden from my fellow human beings. That because there were ripples in my reflection, that no one knew anything true about me (self included).
I'm wondering if honesty is something that is always there. There are people that its so easy to be honest with, with out having miss a step or hesitate on your response. But for those people that we edit ourselves for...are we less than honest? If i have to give a watered down response, am i not being truthful? Of course, i don't believe that hesitating on an answer that would hurt someone is in the least wrong (Respond with compassion).
i'm thinking that all the things i've tried to cover the most as i walked through life are the ones that are glaringly obvious.
As i try to assert my Definitive Independence, the universe slaps me with the truth that i need other people. I have always craved community, and though i now have that community, i fear that i rely on it too much.
I spent lots of time on crutches (side effect of being an equestrienne with "challenged" horses), and i probably should have learned the lesson then. Take the help when you need it, then pass the crutches along to help others walk when they need them.
I can't seem to keep a train of thought, so i'm going to take a run through hometown. 
I'm a little overdue on posting this week. I've got some stuff going on, and likely too much in my head to get it all out in one little blog. Plus, its late, and i'm starting out feeling batty.
I indended to write about sangha on thursday, in regards to our talk on loving kindness. But, i think i want to talk about some other stuff that's on my mind.
The last few days have been connecting me to my past in tremendous ways. The things that i've shut off or hid from are now front and center. And i don't have to ignore them, nor do i want to. I know that i'm not supposed to have attachments and that i am not supposed to grasp my past because it hinders being in the moment...BUT...what if this particular grasped past is helping to be in the moment?
I'm in my hometown in NJ for the week, visiting my Dad and some lovely, lovely friends from (dare i say it) my younger days. I had a wonderful time tonight at a county fair with Me, who was my best of best friends for many, many of my school years. I hadn't seen her in years and it lifts my heart to see she's happy.
On Thursday, through the miracle medium of Facebook, a former Someone Important messaged me. Now, this person, in hindsight, may very well have been the First of the few Significants i've known. That flood of memories is pulling me to a place i'd left behind for Destination: Adulthood. There are people out there that know me and they are showing me snapshots of my life that aren't in any of my albums.
Oh, the things i knew then and wish i knew now!! I miss the simplicity of being unaffected. I miss writing shameless love letters and melodromatic songs. I miss being in love without the bitter waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why do we have to lose those things to "maturity"? When did it become daily practice to apologize for existing in the manner we do?
I feel very Human about the attachment to experiences in my past and whether or not there is significance in everything. Do we hold onto things long enough for them to come full circle? I dare not answer that question, as i know even my thoughts have karmic consequence. We will have to see.
For the first time in all my 30 years, i actually miss being a teenager. Maybe they do know everything.
After too many Thursday nights missed because of work, i rejoined Sangha. It filled me with joy to see new faces joining us.
We read about forgiveness, and the value of forgiving others and ourselves. One of the stories was incredibly touching. A woman's son is murdered by another teenager. During the teen's time incarcerated, the mother visited him. She then offered to find him a job when he's released, and a place to stay. Ultimately she ends up adopting her son's murderer. Which leads me to the question.
Is anything unforgivable?
I struggle with forgiveness. Mostly of my own shortcomings. I hesitate to forgive (again) the issues i have with my mother. I have given her the second chance, and it didn't go well. Actually it got worse. For me, forgiveness was tied to returning to a relationship that was not essentially nurturing.
But it does not have to be this way. I can accept her actions as part of who she is, and let them go (HA), and not let them bear any weight on this very moment. But i don't have to call her up and say "forgive and forget". I can't imagine waking up one day and being able to act like nothing had ever been wrong.
If, in one large exhale, i am able to let it all go, i'll be lighter, happier, and free from that pain. I need to stop feeling like i have to carry it around because i used her uterus for 9 months, like i owe it to her to feel guilty.
I don't know if anything is truly unforgivable. The only thing standing in the way of moving out of that grudge is the thought ... "I don't know if I could do that. I don't know if I have that power."
We do have it. It's a super power, entitling us to full Red Cape privileges.
Buddha should have worn a cape. Every bit of dharma is empowering.
So my effort this week will focus on offering forgiveness for something every day. Even if its just picking the skin off a big one...just start releasing the pain. Even an ounce less would do me good.
Peace to all.
I know i've mentioned it before, but i love women's circle nights. The energy is always fantastic, and i always walk away having learned something.
Tonight's topic: Creativity. I still feel like i don't have much, but am thoroughly impressed by the creativity of the women in the group. I learned tonight that i will never tell my future children, or ANYONE'S child, or another ADULT for that matter, that a dog can't be blue with orange dots and have 7 legs. In my universe, i will keep plenty of room for a view of someone else's universe. 
And then a Healing Circle.
Tonight i was placed in the Healing Circle...which involves being the focus of the group's well wishes and prayers, good vibes, etc., for the upcoming two weeks. Its an amazing experience, and i wholeheartedly believe efforts such as these are beneficial to the healers as well as the healee.
The strange, but not strange, experience was this...The first thing said to me while in the circle was offered by La. She told me i wasn't alone. The strange part is that my underlying thoughts for the last month or so have revolved around the idea that i'm completely alone. That even in rooms full of people i love, i'm alone. The not strange part is that i would nearly expect La to "get it". She's an amazing woman that i see as connected to all things. (and La, if you're reading this, yes, i think that you get it, and are tuned into life in a much bigger way than most other humans...myself included).
Her words really hit right to my root being. I have to embrace that simple fact. I am NOT alone. Even when i'm physically in a room alone.
It wasn't the only encouraging, healing, loving thing said to me this evening. Na, Cy and Ki offered incredibly empowering thoughts: to trust myself, to know that i'm safe in the circle, to know that hard times do pass, to know that what i am at this very moment will carry me through all that brings me down.
It is hard for me to shift focus to healing myself and meeting my own needs (or figuring out what those needs are). But i will put forth the effort. In return, I am sending out tremendous amounts of love for the ladies that are rooting for me in the coming weeks. While I KNOW it's been said before, many, many times, the greatest things we can offer each other are support, peace, and love.
Maybe i'll be brave enough next time to dig out and share some of the hidden poems, songs and random babblings that i've hidden at the bottom of the closet. Or, maybe not. Maybe i'll just write some new ones...
In the last 3 days, i've been given the most incredible, generous gifts. It starts off with tremendous gratitude to Cy this week for offering to do some energy balancing/body work for me. It was a perfect way to start off the week...balanced and in a better state of mind to move forward. And then a wonderful gift from friends at UU, which was a gift beyond the gift itself. I don't know if people know how much difference they make in my life. Or maybe i am not quite sure how to tell them. But in 3 days, so much has turned around.
I am wondering if facing the issues head on and not denying them anymore has anything to do with it? Karma playing games with me? Holding out until i tell the truth?
The truth is i am surrounded by love. In fact, that is the only truth, ever.
Shanti.
It's been some time since i've written anything at all. Partly because my job has drained all my positive energy. And any energy that was left over after that was sucked right out due to my life essentially going down the toilet. I've been an outright bitch to most of those in contact with me, and i'm feeling totally out of control.
I'm pretty sure i'm fighting the greatest bout of depression that i've ever experienced in this lifetime. I have been denying its existence for some time, but i'm in over my head. Majority of my thoughts are not just negative, some are downright disturbing. All of these mental states are that of an "unhappy mind", which means they're delusions, which are a consequence of being trapped in samsara.
I am pretty sure that the only people reading this are already Buddhists familiar with samsara. BUT on the off chance you've stumbled across my blog, here's a few snippets from good old Wikipedia on samsara:
So... that was your Samsara 101. We're all invited to the party, we've all RSVP'd, and NO ONE is having a great time. These days, that is especially true for me.
I love Buddhist thought. I sometimes argue with the traditional practices, and may look for dharma loopholes, but all in all, i accept truths for what they are. Samsara is a truth, and unfortunately, no loopholes. 
Which means all the suffering i'm experiencing right now is all my very own doing. I have to accept responsibility for the great deal of pain i'm dealing with.&nb
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