It's been some time since i've written anything at all.  Partly because my job has drained all my positive energy.  And any energy that was left over after that was sucked right out due to my life essentially going down the toilet.  I've been an outright bitch to most of those in contact with me, and i'm feeling totally out of control.

I'm pretty sure i'm fighting the greatest bout of depression that i've ever experienced in this lifetime.  I have been denying its existence for some time, but i'm in over my head.  Majority of my thoughts are not just negative, some are downright disturbing.  All of these mental states are that of an "unhappy mind", which means they're delusions, which are a consequence of being trapped in samsara.

I am pretty sure that the only people reading this are already Buddhists familiar with samsara.  BUT on the off chance you've stumbled across my blog, here's a few snippets from good old Wikipedia on samsara:

• "The term Samsara has been translated many ways which include but are not limited to endless suffering, cyclic existence, perpetual wandering, and transmigration."
• Buddha was the first person to grasp the belief of Samsara and figure out how to end it. He taught that the only way for one to end their journey through Samsara was enlightenment. The only person who could stop one’s cycle of Samsara was the one who was traveling through their path.  Being said the process of Samsara may take a long time to complete and even with no time limit there may be some who can never actually escape this endless suffering.

So... that was your Samsara 101.   We're all invited to the party, we've all RSVP'd, and NO ONE is having a great time.  These days, that is especially true for me.

I love Buddhist thought.  I sometimes argue with the traditional practices, and may look for dharma loopholes, but all in all, i accept truths for what they are.  Samsara is a truth, and unfortunately, no loopholes.   

Which means all the suffering i'm experiencing right now is all my very own doing.  I have to accept responsibility for the great deal of pain i'm dealing with.  But it doesn't make it any less painful, or as i explained to Mi, that i don't have major beef with Karma these days.  Would this be any easier if i had someone to blame for all the things that are wrong with my situation?  If it were the Boogey man, or the neighbor 3 houses down??   Maybe for a while, but placing blame doesn't take away the fact that i'm not in a happy place. 

Even with my daily effort to take just 5 minutes to B-R-E-A-T-H-E, just focusing on breath, focusing on the moment, focusing on being home wherever i am...i am still tense, lonely, and suffering.  One would think that it would provide an extra helping of motivation to practice patience and loving kindness, towards myself and others, being in this dark place.  But I'm wallowing.  Its not easy stuff here. 

Tonight Mi reminded me that i'm not Alone.  There are friends that care about what happens to me, both in the historical sense, and in the ultimate sense.  It is the greatest comfort i have to know they exist...