Eff.  It happened again.  I am here and now committing to writing my stuff offline first, THEN posting online.  All of you are smart…you probably already do that.

I’m digging. 

Digging for what you ask?  For a place deep enough to stand.  For truth.  For shelter.  Mostly for excuses.

I am without.  I’m empty.  Not in the Buddhist sense, which would be fantastic.  I’m not a cloud, hiding in the grass in interconnected joy.  I’m not a wave realizing she’s water.  I’m struggling here in my deluded state of inherent (lonely, lonely) self-yness (i know its not a word, but sometimes the ones available aren't the right ones).

Although this is my super-secret (except for you guys, I know you won’t tell on me) journal, I can’t bring myself to write the truth here.  It would become tangible, and sad. 

I feel as though I’ve been beating him in the head with a “LOVE ME, DAMMIT!” sign for years.  My lesson learned splits into two distinct thought patterns.  First…I feel I’ve earned the label “unlovable”.  Surely, this can’t be true!  Yet, the mathematics of being pushed away, expected to wait, told that I was not a priority, all equate to “unlovable” and/or “not worth the effort”.   The second path of this lesson is also unpleasant, but involves less self-flagellation.  If someone can’t meet your basic need…if they ask you to wait…if they cause you to doubt that who you are in this very moment is enough, then they don’t love you.  If love is genuine (wow I sound like a teenager…gasp!), then there is no time to waste.  The flaws don't matter quite as much.  Gotta do it all NOW because moments are fleeting.

Sounds bitter (which I am), and maybe a little desperate to assign a reason to the chaos (also, guilty).  I’m busy busy busy to ignore the pain just a little longer.  Hold on, see if it happens.  Doesn’t seem to matter how old you are, 15 or 30, unrequited is soul-crushing.

I can’t even find the happy snapshots in my head of where we started.  There is no joy left.  I am speechless when someone asks me to describe him.  Too much has happened.  Or too little has happened. 

My heart has been suffocating, buried under all these dirty, dirty hopes.  About time to dig it up, piece it back together and climb out of this hole. 

This one's gonna leave a mark...

 

 

 

Was it not Chuck Palahniuk who said "losing all hope is total freedom"? Your heart is still intact, evidenced by nothing more than this blog you created. Your passions may lie elsewhere, and definitely not to be squandered for the focus of an insignificant male.

Spending time alone helps. You may be lonely for a little bit, but that will subside. Your groups will accept and appreciate you for what you are. So fret not and sally forth. You have nothing to lose but your chains! (Marxist cliche, I know ... but it fits :-) )

Until next time ...

"My vision is obscured - blurred by tears of anger,
these four walls a prison where I rot in stagnant languor"

- M. Walkyier (1996)

I would like to write something meaningful and profound like you do in comments to my blogs but I'm not good at that. I can write that I admire you for your journey and that I can't imagine you being unlovable. The second part may sadly be true -- you put up with it because you feel you deserve it somehow (see part one). But you don't deserve it. Nonetheless, it does hurt, but the mark it leaves does not necessarily need to be an ugly mark. All of life leaves a mark of some kind and I believe that we can attempt to control the kind of mark it leaves -- sort of like choosing a tattoo.
Okay, enough of my dumb comments. I just wanted to visit and let you know how much I appreciate you just for being you.

This blog is raw and real. Keep posting, I will keep reading!