Be forewarned, I highly doubt I will display any Buddhist qualities in what will follow here.
So it finally happened. I told him I have found an apartment. As friendly as he’s been trying to be, I have been unable to get on board with his suggestion to go to couples counseling. I am unable to get past the hurt and disappointment. I wish I could, and maybe had I not told all the people I know that I needed to leave, I might have stayed. There is something unsettling about someone becoming everything that you had been looking for 5 days after you call it quits.
For the first time in four point five years we've been together, he said these things to me…He said I’m beautiful, and he should have told me that all the time. He said he should have told me how good it made him feel that when we were out (both in the beginning of our relationship and most recently in NYC to see Eddie Izzard) when he would see other guys looking at me (which he might be making up, I’ve never seen such things). He said he was jealous when I was around anyone else that got to spend time with me. That I am the best person he’s ever known, and there is no way he will ever find anyone like me again. He said that I’m lovable, and that he knows every person that has ever met me loves me. He said he’s sorry for not telling me how much he loves me every day, and that he wishes he had held me. How he wished he had just allowed himself to be close to me, instead of picking fights to keep a distance. He said I’m the only person he ever seriously though about having a family with. He said that when he looks back on his life, while there were things that he sees he could have done differently, he said that treating me the way he has will be his one regret. He said that he hates that I will remember him the way he was these last few years. He said he doesn’t blame me one bit, and that it’s his fault. He didn’t deal with anything.
I told him that the damage had been done, and regardless of how attached I am to him, I feel bad about myself for staying as long as I did. He explained his depression, and how he was so unable to get out of wallowing in misery. He said he couldn’t move out of that place to appreciate what he had. That was obvious. But at the same time, it doesn’t justify being cold, and sometimes flat out cruel. I told him I’ve never felt so unloved, and I need time to let it go. Mostly it seems that he thought I would never really leave. My doing so has apparently given him a rude awakening. While he still feels I can muster something else to keep trying, I do not feel that right now. So out I go.
It seems he and I had completely opposite views. He had just felt that the relationship, the family, etc would be there when all the other things were ok, and expected that something would soon fall into place but in the meantime was often unbearable to be around. I, on the other hand, felt that he was wasting time with being angry, and should accept things as they are and enjoy what we have in this moment. It led to a lot of arguing, a lot of tears, and me feeling completely alone.
We spent a few hours talking about all the done-wrongs. He then made me dinner, and I went shopping. We watched a movie together when I got back, and he was so sweet, like he was in the very, very beginning. Funny, sweet, flirty. He hugged me and asked me what he can do to keep from not having me in his life. He said, “It’s ok if you need to leave here, but I really don’t want to lose you.” I said I need time. When he first suggested counseling, I told him I would consider it if I wasn’t living with him. There is something deep in my belly telling me I need a break, and I have to keep focus on honoring that.
I told him that I have to stop crying my way home from work, and I can’t keep walking around wishing I was dead. Depression I know, I get. No where in my own depressed nature did I ever feel the need to make it worse for him simply because I felt bad. And that right there, is part of the reason I feel another go is not possible right now.
I feel lost, and while I have this truly amazing support system, I still feel alone. I am heartbroken. I sob like a little girl, and mostly for allowing myself to think that it was OK for someone to not treat me like a human being.
For all the things I wish I had, I think I desire most the ability to deal with pain. I hate “being” the pain, experiencing it fully. I hate crying (oh, the endless crying!). Why is it that people only realize what it is they want or what it is they already have when its 30 seconds past too late? Do we only want what we cannot have? Is true love only clearly visible in the rear view mirror?
I wish I had something more inspiring to offer you tonight, but this is what it is. Thank you for listening.
No words of wisdom from here. But you've said what's true and how it feels. I'm sorry it's hurting so badly...
I just wanted to stop by and say that I've missed you. I know you're going through a rough time right now, but I also know that, with your beliefs, you will grow from this experience as we grow and learn from all experiences. Unfortunately growth sometimes is so painful that you're not sure you really want to grow all that badly! I hope you come back and post more, letting all of us who care about you know how you're doing.
Bravenet Blog 
Blog Community
Get a Free Blog
Manage your Blog
bravenet.com