Tonight we danced!  Our group of lovelies danced in circles and lines and squiggly patterns.  It was so much fun to play, and to learn some folk dancing. I only remember the story behind the one…about Persephone and Demeter.  It was complicated, but fun trying. 

After dancing (and sweating way too much for the minimal effort being put forth), I drove home to continue my packing.  As I sifted through my belongings, I started to explore my knee-jerk panic reaction to anything good that happens to me.  Care to join me on this train of thought??

Ok, so let me recap a bit of my childhood.  I never felt safe on any consistent basis.  My dad saved me from so much, but I always felt, nay!, knew any and all of it could be taken away at any moment.  It seemed that my mom and stepfather (mostly him, I think), really liked to offer me things that made me happy, just to take them away.  My dad warmly (ha!) referred to this activity as “dangling the carrot”.   It was amazing, really, how they knew what to take or say that would hurt the most.

So what is the end result of such experience?  I don’t feel safe.  On rare occasions where i find myself getting comfortable, I will enjoy it (maybe for a day or two) until I really feel  safe, I go into panic mode.  Life patterns have taught me that the good thing WILL go away.  So, I immediately suspect the worst, causing me to say and do the most ridiculous things.

The repetition of this behavior is a lot like continuing to wear a pair of panties after one of the legs has worn out.  It’s completely uncomfortable, and you’re going to look like a jackass trying to adjust for your choice. 

I want so very much to stop doing this.  My Buddhist self knows that everything is impermanent.  Nothing lasts forever, good, bad or otherwise.  Hence the teaching that attachment to those things causes suffering.   I can accept the impermanence that dharma teaches.  Buddhism teaches that it is possible to feel completely safe in an unsafe environment.  I am wanting to know how to connect the Buddhist self to the child self that didn’t have the basic need of security at home met.

I don’t like the idea that everything good, everything I love, everything that fills me with joy can and will immediately cease to exist.  I know worrying is useless…I’ve said it to others several times.  But this particular “worry” has proven itself to be not only possible, but probable. 

Any suggestions on how to just enjoy the safety of the moment, the comfort of now, without being aware of the impermanence of it?  Is it as simple as just appreciating what you have while you have it?

Appreciating what you have while you have it. I think that is exactly it. There is so much going on around you. So many people with their own problems. Remember that every person you meet is having a battle in their lives of some kind. Cherish what you have. We are meant to be happy and enjoy our lives. And you can't truly enjoy it until you completely let down that guard. Appreciate the people in your life. Appreciate everyday things as well.

knowing that I am the WWB, I am reminded by TNH "to meditate means to be invited on a journey of looking deeply in order to touch our true nature and to recognize that nothing is lost.". When I meditate, my life is easier. I remember to practice mindfulness and compassion. When I don't meditate I quickly revert back to stressing over silly things I have no control over. I can't give you a tried and true solution to your problem but try meditating on it. For me, the more I practice the more things become clear.

When we are children, sometimes we are punished for wrong doings by our parents by them taking away what we cherish. This doesn't necessarily create an unsafe environment, but a lesson. Perhaps it isnt the best way to teach a child, but is a better alternative then spanking or similar types. But being that you are no longer that child, you have control of what stays and what goes. Embrace that, do not fear. People come and go into our lives as do items. As the first poster said appreciate what you have while you have it.