So I’ve been very “in between” these last few weeks.  I am still in the process of moving from old place to new place.  If that weren’t enough, I bounce back and forth from being in a spiritually serene place to one of complete chaos. 

From what I hear, people turn to a spiritual path when their lives are in crisis.  What do you do when your life is in crisis, but the spiritual path you are on continues to challenge you, forcing immediate resolution for growth???  ARGH.  I think I’ll go with the standby and throw a tantrum instead.

Ever get tired of hearing yourself complain?  That’s about where I am right now.  I am tired of telling Ke that it is not fun and games for me just because I made the decision to move out.  I am tired of trying to act like everything is fine and that it is fun and games when I’m not here.  I’m tired of being lonely, of aching to be held…to feel safe for more than a fleeting moment.  Everything I do points me to attachment as the source of suffering, and it occurred to me that I have NO idea what a healthy attachment would look like if it walked up and slapped me in the forehead.

While my rationally thinking self knows that I need a break from being tied to anyone or anything, my emotional self is hell bent on not complying with the rules set forth by rationally thinking self.  I am drawn to commitment and to playing a supporting role in just about everything i do.  Nothing halfway (which is good and bad).  My attachment to the idea that this is the only way I will be satisfied with life is the root problem.

Where is the line between “attachment” and “solid life plan”??

I am terribly attached to the past, as I look around this house where I thought I would build my life.  And when I step outside these walls, I am immediately flooded with attachment to what “should” be when I leave.  I forget that right now I am a mess…and I have no interest in looking in the mirror at it.  The people I love most in my life are getting married, having (more) babies, celebrating good things that come with the comforts of a successful life.  I rejoice for them.  Every person I know (well, every person, really), deserves nothing less than all they need to bring a happy life. 

Why is it, then, I feel it is not in my cards to live that same life?  I wish I could say that it is a result of the transition…but I can’t.  It exists, looming above me, that these things I desire are not going to be mine.  If that is the case, is everything else I do in my life essentially settling for whatever comes along?  I miss the things I’ve never had to begin with.  Is that even possible?? 

Today I claim the title of World’s Worst Buddhist, as I wallow in self pity, doubt and glorify my selfish mind’s attachments.  Oh, and I smashed the hell out of a really big spider in my room (after which, I did thank the kind mother and wished her well for her rebirth). 

Saying prayers for Mi’s sweet Indy tonight…your furry sentient being knows he is loved in the purest of ways by his mommy.  

from the Kornfield book I am reading..."in willingly facing the unknown, we offer trust in a greater purpose to life. And then we must venture wherever the road leads us, in spite of the dark, in spite of the quivering of our heart.". You are still on your path. Your sorrow, suffering, what you judge as whining are steps towards spiritual growth. If you weren't encountering these difficult thoughts and emotions, then you could claim the award for "WWB.".

Although I know we might have had this conversation through txting, I feel the need to reiterate; there is nothing looming above you, taunting you saying you cant have what you want most. You want a supportive caring partner, strong relationship, to have a family. Everything will fall into place when it is meant to. I think at this moment, it is a matter of getting yourself together. Making yourself happy, comfortable, not so neurotic (and you know what I'm neurotic about :) a little neurosis is ok in my book. Keeps everyone else on their toes. Anyway, basically what I mean by that is relax relax relax. I cant say the fastest and quickest way to get there, its all time and patience. You need to be strong and proud of YOU. Perhaps the best way to get to that point will be when the move is done and over and you don’t have to hear anymore crap from whats their name. Know what you will and will not accept (in treatment) from others. Draw that line. Hold to it. Criticism is alright when its good healthy criticism. When your in a good place, everything else falls into place. No need to rush.