I’ve not written all that much, which in itself is a problem.  Keeping this little journal has helped me organize my thoughts and reflect on where I am on my path.  I suppose I’ve not much wanted to reflect on the thoughts I’ve been having lately.  In fact, I downright hate who I’ve been for the last two days.  I make me sick, really.

It’s getting late, and I’m exhausted.  I’ve only finished two whole rooms, the bedroom and kitchen, as far as unpacking goes.  I am determined to have this whole place done by Sunday night, because I need to feel less like I’m in a transition.  I need to feel like this is the life I’ve been living instead of the one I actually was living.

I may have mentioned in earlier posts that I have two distinct personalities (not like in personality disorder).  There is the Cynical Sara and the Romantic/Love-Peace-Hippy Sara.  Those two Saras do not get along very well.  Lately, Cynical Sara has been on a warpath.  And I hate that bitch.  I don’t like being angry and lonely and frustrated with the world around me.  It makes me ill to think that I’m sending out that kind of energy.  Bleccchh. 

I have managed to get a decent meditation or two into my days.  But as soon as I am done, I’m back to feeling hopeless.  I think I need to stay away from the politics.  I think I need to stay away from the heartbreak.  Because really, while I care so much for the future of our country via the outcome of the upcoming election, it is causing me additional anxiety I just do not need.  I can’t control it, there is no remedy for it.  Therefore, I must let it go (right, Mi?!?).

Even my workplace has me pulsing with anger.  Today was a festival of sarcasm and backbiting comments.  Now, don’t get me wrong, sarcasm is my first language.  But generally I use it playfully.  This stuff was just mean.

Perhaps I need to slow down.  I am much fonder of the Romantic/Love-Peace-Hippy Sara.  I rather focus on the light, I’d rather feel that this isn’t ALL there is.  I don’t want to look around and think…”Fuck!  Why bother?” 

Really, how bad can the world be when there are people that tolerate us, regardless of our conflicting personality traits??   When there are people that make you feel 15 again?  When you realize that your friends are with you all the time, especially at the darkest points?  Where people demand nothing short of excellence from you, not for their benefit…but rather for your own?   And there are people that exist…right now…that are carrying the best of you with them, wherever they go?  Can it really be that hopeless???  Is there anything really to be cynical about? 

I don’t want to keep doing this thing, where I let myself forget that there is more than enough.  That I have more than enough.  Sounds overly optimistic, but I need to set that intention every night, and every morning…that everything I want I already have…and that it is enough to get through this moment with a smile.  Or at least without a scowl.

I will have to figure out a way to accomplish this, or I will forever be fighting myself.  I don't have time for that!!  Or is it that i have nothing but time....

Ok, here's the Buddha-speak,which you know in your heart but bears repeating: we are all in transition, every moment of every day. Yup! All us sentient beings are changing from moment to moment. Granted not all of these changes are monumental ones such as moving or ending a relationship but they are happening. Do you know any human who enjoys moving? There may be a few sickos who do but I'm still sure that number is small. Think about this: if the chipmunk on my bird feeder didn't start plumping up on my bird seed and lining his hidey hole with warm Indy fur from my yard, would he have a chance surviving the inevitable change of fall to winter? Of course he wouldn't and the point is that he doesn't worry over each seed he steals wondering if it will be enough! All is impermanence my dear friend. That is a universal Buddhist law. Why is it so difficult? Because we make it so.
Know that in this moment you are loved and treasured by me and all your friends and try to let go just a wee bit and see what happens. I'll bet the next moment comes along just like it always does and you will be one step closer to being who you want to be!

I can't put things as poshly as 'pilgrim', but you sound 'normal' to me. The more spiritual we are the more we battle with ourselves. Do you sometimes love others not inspite of their 'flaws' but because of them? Embrace your cynical Sara and love her

"Inside every cynical person, is a disappointed idealist"

- George Carlin