Five years.  Wow.  I can’t believe five years of my life are gone since that day.  Right about now, we would have been leaving the reception, exhausted from the day of vows, photos, and dancing.  Now, before I go any further, I should relay the fact that I was married a whole 16 hours before I knew that it was not going to work.  We were married 5 months when we went (together) to file for divorce. 

My intention of this entry is not to put my ex on blast, because frankly, he was a decent human being.  I think that he really wanted to want to be a husband and do the whole family guy thing.  But alas, we were on different paths and separated with an ease that most aren’t blessed with. 

But it is a day of reflection for me.  Given the recent end of yet another relationship, its hitting me extra hard today…that loneliness and feeling way behind on my life “plan”.  Oh, how I want those five years back!   

I’m not so good with relationships.  I am beginning to wonder if humans merely know what qualities they would like in a mate, and fit any signs of those qualities you show into the checkboxes to fit their own needs.  In my adult life (which for the intents and purposes of this entry I will define as age 18 and after), I think there may have been only one man to actually see me as I saw myself at the time and he loved me anyway.  I don’t know that comes around too often.

I do not exclude myself from this behavior.  I know that I’ve tried to rationalize a mate’s qualities to being what I am looking for.  This, believe it or not, I am about to tie to dharma practice.  I do need to practice seeing things and people as they really are, without projecting my delusions and expectations on others.  I think it would ease some of the constantly appearing pain. 

I am going to go wallow a bit.